The Onion's Satirical Tips For Cooling Your Home During Extreme Heat
By
The Onion Staff
Summary
A satirical article from The Onion offering absurd and humorous "tips" for cooling your home during extreme heat waves, including pressing cold towels against your home's pulse points, taking contortionist classes to fit in the freezer, firing a gun to warn the sun, bulldozing walls for cross breezes, and visiting even hotter locations to make your home feel cool by comparison.
Source
The OnionThe Onion's Satirical Tips For Cooling Your Home During Extreme Heattheonion.comKey quotes
· 5 pulledPress a cold, damp towel against your home's pulse points.
Fire your gun in the air as a warning to the sun to back off.
Get a nice cross breeze going by bulldozing a wall.
Spend the bulk of your day in an even hotter location so that your house feels like a blast of frigid air when you get back.
Take contortionist classes until you can fit inside the freezer.
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