FDA Approves Remotely Detonatable Lettuce for Contamination Control
By
The Onion Staff
Best dunked in coffee. Better still, swap for a fresh one.
Summary
The FDA has approved a new type of romaine lettuce that can be remotely detonated in the event of contamination or recall. According to FDA Commissioner Martin Makary, the exploding lettuce heads are designed to combust at the first sign of contamination, using the ensuing fiery blaze to exterminate bacterial pathogens like E. coli, Listeria, and Salmonella. The technology allows for remote detonation of lettuce anywhere from supermarkets to distribution centers.
Key quotes
· 3 pulledOur state-of-the-art exploding romaine lettuce heads will combust at the first sign of contamination
We will be able to detonate lettuce anywhere—from the supermarket
the ensuing fiery blaze would quickly exterminate all nearby bacterial pathogens, including E. coli, Listeria monocytogenes, and Salmonella
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