Soybean Expresses Desire to Remain a Simple Legume Rather Than Be Processed Into Food Products
By
The Onion Staff
Properly proved. Has structure, has flavour, has a point.
Summary
A soybean in Carmi, Illinois expresses anxiety about the pressure to become various food products like sauces, oils, tofu, tempeh, nattō, protein powder, and alternative milk. The legume wishes it could simply be a soybean and have that be enough, expressing frustration that other beans like black beans get to remain as they are while soybeans face constant transformation demands.
Key quotes
· 3 pulledI don't want to be a sauce, I don't want to be an oil, I don't want to be tofu or tempeh or nattō—I just want to be me
Is that really too much to ask? Black beans get to...
Expressing anxiety over the immense pressure it faced to become various food products, a local legume confided to reporters Tuesday that it wished it could just be a soybean and have that be enough
You might also wanna read
Satirical Article: Wells Fargo Experts Joke About Investing Tax Refunds in Dream Sandwiches
A satirical article from Wells Fargo "experts" humorously advising taxpayers to invest their tax refunds not in traditional savings or retir
The Onion·13d ago
Satirical piece: Trump reads Arby's menu to appeal to meat lovers
A satirical article depicting President Donald Trump conducting a solemn, marathon-style reading of the Arby's menu as a political strategy
The Onion·1mo ago
Satirical Article: Fictional Baked Potato Association Study Recommends Loading Potatoes with Toppings
The article appears to be a satirical piece from The Onion, America's self-proclaimed 'Finest News Source,' featuring a fictional study by t
The Onion·2mo ago
Man Expresses Frustration with Sequential Nature of Eating Process
A man in Hartford City, Indiana expresses frustration with the sequential nature of eating, complaining that he has to finish chewing his cu
The Onion·3mo ago
Satirical Article Critiques Football-Themed Napkins as Nonabsorbent and Uncomfortable
The article is a satirical piece from The Onion about football-themed napkins at a Super Bowl party that are described as too nonabsorbent a
The Onion·3mo ago
Satirical Article Mocks Health Recommendations with Fruity Euphemisms
The article presents a satirical take on health recommendations, with fictional health experts from the American Medical Association warning
The Onion·4mo ago