Virgo Horoscope: Call the Aging Stars More Often
By
The Onion Staff
Worth a glance, not a chew.
Summary
This appears to be a humorous or satirical piece that presents a Virgo horoscope-style message suggesting calling the stars more often since they are aging, but the title mentions Home Depot offering squirrels which seems unrelated to the actual content.
Key quotes
· 2 pulledThe stars are a trillion years old and are only getting older
so it would be nice if you called them more often
You might also wanna read
Satirical Horoscope: Libra's Recommended Dining Experience
This appears to be a satirical horoscope entry for Libra (September 23-October 22) that humorously recommends food and wine pairings, presen
The Onion·7mo ago
Libra Horoscope: Food and Wine Recommendations for September 23-October 22
This appears to be a satirical horoscope entry for Libra (September 23 to October 22) that humorously recommends specific food and wine pair
The Onion·8mo ago
Satirical Virgo Horoscope Suggests Stars Want More Attention
This is a humorous astrology horoscope for Virgo (August 23-September 22) that playfully suggests the stars are getting older and would appr
The Onion·8mo ago
Satirical Virgo Horoscope: Stars Are Aging and Would Appreciate More Calls
This is a satirical horoscope-style piece that humorously suggests calling stars more often because they are aging, presented as a fake trib
The Onion·8mo ago
Satirical Virgo Horoscope Suggests Calling Ancient Stars More Often
A humorous horoscope-style message directed at Virgos, suggesting they should call the stars more often since they are ancient and getting o
The Onion·8mo ago
The Onion's Satirical Top Songs List for May 2026 Parodies News and Modern Life
A satirical article from The Onion presenting a list of absurd, fictional "top songs" for May 2026. The song titles are humorous and surreal
The Onion·2d ago