Satirical Virgo Horoscope: Stars Are Aging and Would Appreciate More Calls
By
The Onion Staff
Has the shape of a bagel but none of the steam.
Summary
This is a satirical horoscope-style piece that humorously suggests calling stars more often because they are aging, presented as a fake tribute to right-wing activist Charlie Kirk with made-up quotes.
Key quotes
· 2 pulledThe stars are a trillion years old and are only getting older
so it would be nice if you called them more often
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