Satirical Article: SNAP Warns Recipients About Kidney Function Delays
By
The Onion Staff
Tired, dry, slightly forgotten on the back of the tray.
Summary
The article is a satirical piece reporting that the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) issued a statement warning recipients that it could take days before their kidneys regain function. The statement humorously suggests that as staff are reinstated and payments roll out, beneficiaries should expect delays in filtering impurities from their bloodstream, with swelling in limbs potentially subsiding by next Wednesday.
Key quotes
· 3 pulledWASHINGTON—Urging low-income Americans to be patient as officials worked around the clock to restore normal operation, the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program issued a statement Friday warning recipients that it could take days before their kidneys regained function.
“As staff are reinstated and payments begin to roll out, please expect delays in filtering out impurities in your bloodstream,” read the statement in part
which emphasized that while beneficiaries could expect the swelling in their limbs to go down as soon as next Wednesday, it would take longer for those seeking relief
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