Satirical Article: Conservative Man Defends Child Molesters Citing Potential Future Actions
By
The Onion Staff
Half-baked but well-meaning. A passing snack.
Summary
A satirical article about a conservative man named Samuel Welker who defends child molesters implicated in the Epstein files, arguing that he might become a child molester himself someday. The piece uses dark humor to critique political hypocrisy and self-interest in defending criminal behavior.
Key quotes
· 3 pulledSure, I don't have a ton of young girls at my disposal now, but eventually I might have a bunch, and if I do, I hope people won't rush to judgment just because I happen to molest them on a private island
Insisting he still believed in the dream that Americans from all circumstances could eventually become sexual deviants
conservative man Samuel Welker reportedly defended child molesters implicated in the Epstein files Monday in case he himself some day became a child molester
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