Satirical Article: Pete Hegseth Reportedly Enraged by Imaginary Plus-Sized Astronaut
By
The Onion Staff
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Summary
A satirical article from The Onion about Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth becoming enraged after imagining a plus-sized astronaut. The piece humorously portrays Hegseth's absurd anger over body image standards in space exploration, with additional satirical headlines about various mundane and bizarre topics.
Key quotes
· 3 pulledUgh, it makes me fucking sick to think about some fat ass floating through space making Americans look like pathetic slobs
The thought of some lard-ass waddling around the International Space Station, eating all the freeze-dried ice cream and taking up extra room in the escape pod, is enough to make me want to puke
I didn't sign up to defend a nation that sends blimps into orbit
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