Satirical Advice for Sticking to New Year's Resolutions
By
The Onion Staff
Pale and squishy. Not ruined, just not done.
Summary
The article presents satirical advice for sticking to New Year's resolutions, offering absurd and humorous suggestions like hiring a hitman to enforce quitting smoking, telling coworkers about resolutions so they can mock failure, petitioning to make January only three days long for diet resolutions, and choosing resolutions already completed. The content is clearly humorous and ironic rather than genuine self-help advice.
Key quotes
· 4 pulledHire a hitman to shoot you in between the eyes if you even so much as look at a cigarette.
Tell your coworkers about your plan so they can inevitably mock you when you fail to live up to your resolution.
If you resolved to give up junk food for a month, petition the U.S. government to make January three days long.
Choose an attainable resolution that you've already completed prior to starting.
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