Satirical Report: Newborn Baby Fails to Transform Father's Personality
By
The Onion Staff
Warm and crisp on the edges. A bagel with a bit of bite.
Summary
A satirical news piece reports that newborn baby Amber Gilroy failed to change her father Eric Gilroy in any way, despite the common expectation that parenthood transforms people. The article humorously describes how Eric remains exactly the same person he was before becoming a father, continuing his same habits and personality traits without any noticeable growth or transformation.
Key quotes
· 3 pulledLacking the ability to transform her father's personality to the same extent as his leather couch or riding lawn mower, newborn baby Amber Gilroy reportedly failed this week to change new parent Eric Gilroy in any conceivable way.
"Eric was always nice but just kind of floating through life, and then as soon as he had Amber you could really see how exactly the same he was," said Gilroy's sister Taylor.
who revealed she noticed the amazing lack of growth from the moment Gilroy first held his daughter in his arms and shifted her to check on a DraftKings
You might also wanna read
The Onion's Satirical Top Songs List for May 2026 Parodies News and Modern Life
A satirical article from The Onion presenting a list of absurd, fictional "top songs" for May 2026. The song titles are humorous and surreal
The Onion·2d ago
The Onion's Satirical Profile of Kacey Musgraves Pokes Fun at Country Music Tropes
A satirical profile of Kacey Musgraves published by The Onion, humorously covering her new album "Middle Of Nowhere" with absurd details abo
The Onion·3d ago
Satirical Headlines Collection Masquerading as News About Starbucks Korea Apology
This article appears to be a satirical/humor piece from what reads like a collection of absurd headlines (e.g., "Mass Grave Not Even That Bi
The Onion·3d ago
Satirical article claims Listerine leaves 0.1% of germs alive to terrorize microbial community
This is a satirical news article from The Onion-style publication reporting that Listerine mouthwash deliberately leaves 0.1% of germs alive
The Onion·3d ago
Satirical Headlines Collection: Enhanced Games and Other Absurd Fake News Items
This is a satirical article from The Onion-style humor publication. The headline "Enhanced Games Allows Competing Athletes To Use Steroids"
The Onion·4d ago
Satirical Article: Pete Hegseth Reportedly Enraged by Imaginary Plus-Sized Astronaut
A satirical article from The Onion about Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth becoming enraged after imagining a plus-sized astronaut. The piec
The Onion·5d ago