Satirical article claims Listerine leaves 0.1% of germs alive to terrorize microbial community
By
The Onion Staff
An everything bagel for the brain. Substantive, layered, well-seasoned.
Summary
This is a satirical news article from The Onion-style publication reporting that Listerine mouthwash deliberately leaves 0.1% of germs alive to terrorize the surviving microbial community into submission. The piece humorously anthropomorphizes bacteria, describing how the surviving germs are forced to witness the destruction of their colony and spread fear among other microorganisms. It's a parody of both military psychological warfare tactics and mouthwash advertising claims.
Key quotes
· 5 pulledThe mouthwash killed my entire colony and then told me to bear witness to the horrors I had survived, so that I might go forth and spread word of its power to all the other germs in the mouth.
It was a massacre. A complete and total massacre. And they made sure we knew it was them.
The message was clear: submit or be annihilated. We are to be living monuments to their supremacy.
They want us broken, afraid, and compliant. A few of us are left alive not by accident, but by design—to serve as a warning.
Every time I see a bottle of that green liquid, I feel the terror all over again. We are not safe. We will never be safe.
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