Satirical Report: Man Attempts DIY "Hot-Wired" Vasectomy with Improvised Tools
By
The Onion Staff
Plain bagel done well. Pleasantly substantive.
Summary
A satirical news piece describing a man attempting to perform a DIY vasectomy by "hot-wiring" it with improvised tools like a coat hanger, screwdriver, and chewing gum, while his accomplice serves as lookout. The article humorously portrays the man's nervousness and the absurdity of the situation with electrical metaphors.
Key quotes
· 4 pulledLONG BEACH, CA—Wiping sweat from his brow as he clenched a scalpel in his mouth, a man reportedly hot-wired a vasectomy Friday while his accomplice served as lookout.
“I’ve got to get in and get out without anyone noticing,” said the unidentified man, whose hands shook as he fumbled with the vas deferens, causing sparks to fly everywhere.
“Shit, shit, shit—if we don’t get this right on the first try, the whole thing’s gonna short-circuit and the erection will completely shut down.
Hand me that coat hanger, a screwdriver, and a piece of chewing gum.
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