Satirical Report: Newborn Baby in Pennsylvania Is Not Jesus Christ
By
The Onion Staff
The kind of bagel you'd toss to the pigeons.
Summary
A satirical news piece reports on a newborn baby in Reading, PA, who is not Jesus Christ despite family expectations. The article humorously contrasts the baby's ordinary birth in a hospital with the biblical narrative of Jesus' birth in a manger, featuring profane quotes from the baby's uncle expressing disappointment that the child won't be the Messiah.
Key quotes
· 4 pulledSaying the snot-nosed brat sure as hell better not expect any damn frankincense or myrrh, sources confirmed Friday that a bullshit newborn wasn't even Jesus Christ, the Son of God.
There's not a fucking chance this useless goddamn baby is going to die for our sins
I bet this little shit isn't even related to God, let alone a direct relative.
I should have known when I didn't see a sin
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