Satirical Report: Congress Mandates 15% Cocaine Savings for Child Actors
By
The Onion Staff
Yesterday's bagel. Skim it, don't savour it.
Summary
A satirical article reporting that Congress passed a law requiring 15% of all cocaine received by child actors to be set aside for their future, with Senator Alex Padilla explaining this is to prevent former child stars from losing their accumulated substances by adulthood.
Key quotes
· 3 pulled"The sad truth is that a lot of the coke given to children who work in Hollywood can end up being totally gone by the time they reach adulthood"
"Congress passed a new law Thursday that requires 15% of all cocaine received by child actors to be set aside for their future"
"In a move designed to help minors in the entertainment industry hold on to their hard-earned substances"
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