Satirical Report Claims You Are 'Due' for a Personal Tragedy Soon
By
The Onion Staff
Best dunked in coffee. Better still, swap for a fresh one.
Summary
A satirical article from The Onion-style publication reports on a fictional University of Kentucky study claiming that because it's been a while since a personal tragedy occurred, readers are "due" for a massive disaster soon. The piece humorously warns of an impending calamity involving multiple missed calls from family members, parodying the tendency to anticipate misfortune after periods of calm.
Key quotes
· 2 pulledOur results have found that since it's been so long since you had something absolutely terrible happen to you, there is likely a massive calamity coming right down the pipeline
you could expect there to be a day in the next month or so when you would wake up to 12 missed calls from everyone in your family
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