Satirical Report: Bari Weiss Allegedly Kidnaps Tony Dokoupil's Mother to Boost CBS Ratings
By
The Onion Staff
Warm and crisp on the edges. A bagel with a bit of bite.
Summary
The article reports that CBS News editor-in-chief Bari Weiss allegedly kidnapped the mother of evening anchor Tony Dokoupil in a desperate attempt to boost ratings for her struggling programs. According to sources, Weiss planned to reveal details of Gail Dokoupil's captivity during CBS shows like Face The Nation and Sunday Morning throughout the spring sweeps period.
Key quotes
· 3 pulledNEW YORK—In a desperate ploy aimed at playing on the sympathies of concerned viewers, CBS News editor-in-chief Bari Weiss reportedly attempted to boost ratings for her struggling programs this week by kidnapping the mother of evening anchor Tony Dokoupil.
“I’m not going to hurt you, Ms. Dokoupil, but you’ll be staying with me at least until the end of spring sweeps next month,” said a masked Weiss
who, according to sources, planned to seed tentpole shows such as Face The Nation and Sunday Morning with lurid details of Gail Dokoupil’s captivity, counting down the days
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