Satirical Report: Americans Allegedly Turning to Alchemy to Make Ends Meet

According to a report released this week by the Bureau of Labor Statistics, a record number of Americans are finding themselves forced to make ends meet by retreating into their underground laboratories and practicing alchemy.

"Even though I work long hours at my warehouse job, I still won't be able to pay the bills if I don't succeed in transmuting this hunk of lead into gold," part-time alchemist Arthur Shandro said.

He opened his wooden chest of arcana and used a copper retort to distill a corrosive elixir of mercury, wormwood essence, and vitriolated ta