Satirical Article: Trump Reportedly Asks About Executing Olympic Athletes Who Don't Medal
By
The Onion Staff
Sat on the counter overnight. Well past its best.
Summary
The article satirically portrays President Donald Trump asking his advisors when he would be allowed to kill members of Team USA who lost at the Olympics, declaring that athletes who fail to medal are traitors who should be executed. The piece uses dark humor to critique extreme nationalist attitudes toward athletic performance.
Key quotes
· 3 pulledDeclaring that athletes who had disgraced their country with a poor performance needed to be dealt with in the harshest manner possible, President Donald Trump asked advisors Tuesday when he would get to kill members of Team USA who lost at the Olympics.
"If they're not standing on that podium, they're traitors who should be executed, so when exactly do I get to do that?"
said Trump, wondering whether athletes who failed to medal would be strangled to death upon their return to the United States, discreetly poisoned at the Olympic Village, or just shot through the head the moment
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