Satirical Article: God Declares Choking People Are Meant to Die as Divine Design
By
The Onion Staff
Lightly browned and well buttered. A solid pick from the rack.
Summary
A satirical article presents God warning humanity not to interfere with His divine plans by saving choking people, claiming that choking is intentional divine design and that Henry Heimlich, inventor of the Heimlich maneuver, is burning in hell for eternity. The piece uses religious parody to mock divine intervention concepts through exaggerated divine pronouncements.
Key quotes
· 3 pulledI created all things—do you really think I would fuck up and make human throats clog on accident? This is divine design
busybody asshole Henry Heimlich, who died in 2016, was burning in hell for all eternity
Look at how horrible choking is. Could I have made it any more clear that pe
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