Satirical Account: Oprah Winfrey's Arctic Pursuit of Dr. Phil

With a vow to destroy the abomination she had created if it was the last thing she ever did, television host Oprah Winfrey has spent weeks on a ship pursuing Dr. Phil through the Arctic

Sailors aboard the vessel confirmed that while Winfrey appeared ill and exhausted from continuous exposure to the harsh tundra, she nonetheless spent hour upon hour peering through a brass spyglass and scanning the desolate landscape for any sign of the grotesque TV personality and formerly licensed therapist

Despite the heavy winds and raging sea, the 71-year-old media mogul reportedly refused to go below deck, instead remaining on the bow and shouting Dr. Phil's name into the void

I created him, and I will be the one to end him,' Winfrey was overheard telling her first mate, according to sources

The harpoon struck Dr. Phil directly in the chest, but instead of falling, he simply looked down at the weapon protruding from his body, smiled, and then dove into the freezing water, disappearing beneath the ice