Satirical AARP Report Parodies Economic Jargon to Describe Sagging Jowls
By
The Onion Staff
Yesterday's bagel. Skim it, don't savour it.
Summary
A satirical article reporting that AARP has released a "strong April jowls report" claiming that sagging jawlines and drooping cheeks have exceeded projections. The piece parodies economic and financial reporting by applying its language and metrics (e.g., "dermal quarter," "tautness claims," "fleshiness is up, collagen is down") to the absurd topic of aging facial features.
Key quotes
· 3 pulledWe're pleased to announce that the rate of sagging jawlines since March has exceeded even our flappiest projections.
We credit this robust uptick in jowls to low-elasticity conditions and a sharp decline in weekly tautness claims, not to mention some strong sags in the neck sector.
Fleshiness is up, and collagen is down.
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