Ragú Announces Sensory Deprivation Marinara Tank for Stress Relief
By
The Onion Staff
Crackles when you bite it. Shows the baker did the work.
Summary
Ragú, the pasta sauce brand, has unveiled a sensory deprivation marinara tank at a press event in Schaumburg, IL. The company claims this lightproof, soundproof vat filled with their signature tomato sauce will revolutionize stress reduction and pain relief through tomato-based relaxation. The sauce is specially formulated with herbs and salt for therapeutic benefits, allowing the body to float effortlessly. The article presents this as a new product launch with claims of wellness benefits.
Key quotes
· 3 pulledThis lightproof, soundproof vat filled with our signature vine-ripened, zesty tomato sauce marks the beginning of an exciting new era in tomato-based relaxation
Claiming the new offering would revolutionize the use of pasta sauce in stress reduction and pain relief
a savory blend of herbs and salt specially formulated for maximum therapeutic benefits allowed the body to effortlessly float above the surface
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