Man Complains Captive Woman in Basement Is Ungrateful for His Accommodations
By
The Onion Staff
Plain bagel done well. Pleasantly substantive.
Summary
A satirical news piece about a man in Overland Park, Kansas who complains that his captive woman in the basement is ungrateful despite his efforts to provide her with 'good' accommodations like a mattress from the alley and expensive rope. The article uses dark humor to portray the absurdity of the captor's perspective as he expresses frustration that his 'generosity' goes unappreciated.
Key quotes
· 3 pulledI give and I give, and what do I get in return? Not a single genuine thank-you
nothing is ever good enough for the woman he has been holding captive in his basement for the past 39 days
I have provided the bound and gagged woman with a perfectly good mattress from the alley and the most expensive rope available at the hardware store, but she still finds things to complain about
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