Finnish Ski Jumping Team Accused of Gravity Manipulation at Winter Olympics
By
The Onion Staff
Toasted to a respectable shade. No regrets, no crumbs left.
Summary
The article reports that the Finnish ski jumping team was caught tampering with Earth's gravitational field during the Winter Olympics to gain a competitive advantage. International Olympic Committee officials discovered a strange device with a glowing core that was apparently used to manipulate gravity during competition. The incident is described as a violation of both sports rules and fundamental universal constants.
Key quotes
· 3 pulledCalling the incident a flagrant violation of both the rules of the event and the fundamental constants of the universe
the Finnish ski jumping team had been caught tampering with Earth's gravitational field in an attempt to gain a competitive advantage at the Winter Olympics
During a routine equipment inspection, we discovered a number of small objects levitating around a strange, toaster-oven-sized device with a glowing core
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