Campbell's Announces New Line of Self-Defense Soups for Home Protection
By
The Onion Staff
Recycled flavour. You've tasted this bagel before.
Summary
Campbell's has announced a new line of self-defense soups that can be used as weapons in emergency situations. The products offer multiple protection options, including using the can as a flail when attached to a strap or heating the soup to create a thermal weapon. The company spokesperson emphasized the importance of having something that can be prepared quickly in under five minutes for unexpected home intruders.
Key quotes
· 3 pulledWhether you attach the can to a strap and use it as a flail or heat up the soup to create a thermal weapon, we guarantee these powerful security devices will be ready in under five minutes
The products offered customers multiple protection options in a delicious range of flavors
Stressed the importance of always having something on hand that can be prepared quickly in the event of an unexpected home intruder
You might also wanna read
Satirical Article: Wells Fargo Experts Joke About Investing Tax Refunds in Dream Sandwiches
A satirical article from Wells Fargo "experts" humorously advising taxpayers to invest their tax refunds not in traditional savings or retir
The Onion·13d ago
Satirical piece: Trump reads Arby's menu to appeal to meat lovers
A satirical article depicting President Donald Trump conducting a solemn, marathon-style reading of the Arby's menu as a political strategy
The Onion·1mo ago
Soybean Expresses Desire to Remain a Simple Legume Rather Than Be Processed Into Food Products
A soybean in Carmi, Illinois expresses anxiety about the pressure to become various food products like sauces, oils, tofu, tempeh, nattō, pr
The Onion·1mo ago
Satirical Article: Fictional Baked Potato Association Study Recommends Loading Potatoes with Toppings
The article appears to be a satirical piece from The Onion, America's self-proclaimed 'Finest News Source,' featuring a fictional study by t
The Onion·2mo ago
Man Expresses Frustration with Sequential Nature of Eating Process
A man in Hartford City, Indiana expresses frustration with the sequential nature of eating, complaining that he has to finish chewing his cu
The Onion·3mo ago
Satirical Article Critiques Football-Themed Napkins as Nonabsorbent and Uncomfortable
The article is a satirical piece from The Onion about football-themed napkins at a Super Bowl party that are described as too nonabsorbent a
The Onion·3mo ago