U.S. Agriculture Secretary Urges Farmers to Develop New Melon Varieties by Friday
By
The Onion Staff
Soggy bottom. Skim the top, leave the rest on the tray.
Summary
The U.S. Secretary of Agriculture, Brooke Rollins, has demanded that American farmers invent five new melon varieties by the end of the week to maintain the nation's competitive edge in gourd-based innovation. Failure to comply could result in the loss of government subsidies. The statement emphasizes the need for innovation beyond traditional watermelons and cantaloupes.
Key quotes
· 2 pulledOur nation cannot keep coasting along on the same old watermelons and cantaloupes forever without losing its standing on the world stage.
We need a new killer melon to stay on top.
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