Satirical Court Ruling Orders God to Add Cancer Warning to Earth
By
The Onion Staff
Soggy bottom. Skim the top, leave the rest on the tray.
Summary
A satirical legal ruling from the Celestial Court orders God to add a cancer warning label to Earth, citing unsafe levels of carcinogens in all land, air, and water. The ruling claims the Creator has known for millennia that every continent causes cancer and must now provide health warnings to consumers.
Key quotes
· 3 pulledThe Creator of All Things has known for millennia that every continent causes cancer
He must put a caution label on the planet alerting consumers of the danger so they can make informed decisions about their health
Noting unsafe levels of carcinogens in all land, air, and water, a legal ruling handed down by the Celestial Court on Tuesday ordered God to add a cancer warning to Earth
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