Satirical Article: God Questions Humanity's Failure to Recognize Masturbation as Life's Purpose
By
The Onion Staff
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Summary
The article presents a satirical piece where God expresses confusion about humanity's failure to recognize that the true purpose of life is continual masturbation. The divine being questions why humans engage in complex pursuits like war, art, commerce, and civilization-building instead of focusing on this simple, pleasurable activity that requires only their own bodies.
Key quotes
· 3 pulledGod Almighty, our Lord and Heavenly Father, was reportedly wondering Wednesday when humans would realize that the major purpose of life was to continually masturbate.
"It feels good and the parts to do it are attached to your body—how much simpler could I have made it?" said the Lord.
He was frustrated that humanity had spent centuries engaged in pursuits such as war, art, commerce, and the construction of civilizations instead of using their hands to sexually gratify themselves.
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