Satirical piece mocks RFK Jr. with fake heart attack gym story
By
The Onion Staff
Crispy enough to crunch, soft enough to enjoy. A good bake.
Summary
A satirical article about Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. supposedly suffering a heart attack and being rushed to the gym instead of a hospital, with staffers attempting to revive him with pre-workout supplements, creatine, and raw milk. The piece mocks Kennedy's well-known fitness and alternative health advocacy.
Key quotes
· 3 pulledQuick, get him on an elliptical, now! He's fading!
Is anyone around here a trainer by chance? We need a CrossFit instructor, stat!
Okay, prop him up against the pec deck—he can offset
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