Man Masturbates While Watching Basketball Game, Satirical Report Claims
By
The Onion Staff
Good intentions, undercooked execution. The bake is missing.
Summary
A satirical article about a man named Kenneth Carter who masturbates while simultaneously watching a basketball game between the Golden State Warriors and the Phoenix Suns. The piece humorously describes his ability to multitask between viewing pornography and checking the score of the game.
Key quotes
· 3 pulledThough he focused the majority of his attention on stroking and squeezing his genitalia, sources confirmed that local masturbating man Kenneth Carter still managed to keep an eye on Thursday night's game
After drawing the window shades and settling himself in his favorite easy chair, Carter is said to have languidly stimulated himself while he cycled through a series of POV blow job clips on Jizz Tube
peeking up from his laptop screen at regular intervals to check in on the pivotal intradivision matchup
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