White House Dismisses Trump Hand Bruise as Minor Concern Amid Health Questions
By
The Onion Staff
Pale and squishy. Not ruined, just not done.
Summary
White House officials downplayed concerns about a bruise on President Trump's hand, characterizing it as one of the least concerning parts of his body while simultaneously drawing attention to his "alarmingly sallow complexion and rapidly deteriorating brain function." Press secretary Karoline Leavitt stated the hand discoloration was superficial and that doctors were focused on more urgent health issues.
Key quotes
· 3 pulled"The discoloration on the president's hand is superficial and no cause for worry—in fact, it is probably one of his healthiest anatomical regions"
"alarmingly sallow complexion and rapidly deteriorating brain function"
"the president's doctors remain focused on far more urgent health issues"
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