U.S. Military Conducts Strike on Alleged Narco-Trafficking Tugboat
By
The Onion Staff
A touch underbaked. Edible, but you'll want a strong coffee alongside.
Summary
The article reports that the U.S. military conducted a strike on 'Scuffy the Tugboat' based on intelligence that the vessel was planning a 'big adventure.' Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth claimed that Scuffy had evolved from a simple bathtub toy to become involved with Venezuelan drug cartels as a militarized narco-trafficking vessel, with alleged connections to the 'man with the polka-dot tie' and potentially the Venezuelan president.
Key quotes
· 3 pulledLittle Scuffy wasn't content with merely floating around in the bathtub, so he made for the nearest river and quickly rose through the ranks of violent Venezuelan drug cartels to become a militarized narco-trafficking vessel
the Pentagon had acted swiftly on an insider tip about the vessel having a 'big adventure' planned
Scuffy's close ally, the man with the polka-dot tie, was clearly in league with President
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