Satire: Tiger Woods Completes 12-Step AA Program In 9 Steps (The Onion)
By
The Onion Staff
Master baker tier. Every paragraph earns its place on the tray.
Summary
A satirical article from The Onion reporting that Tiger Woods has completed a 12-step Alcoholics Anonymous program in just 9 steps, mocking the concept of shortcutting a well-established recovery program. The piece humorously details Woods' accelerated journey through the steps, including skipping steps, combining others, and reinterpreting the program to fit his celebrity lifestyle.
Key quotes
· 3 pulled'I'm not saying I'm cured or anything,' Woods said. 'But I'm definitely a lot better than I was 9 steps ago.'
'Step 1 was admitting I was powerless over alcohol,' Woods said. 'Step 2 was admitting I was powerless over golf. Step 3 was admitting I was powerless over my marriage. Step 4 was admitting I was powerless over my temper. Step 5 was admitting I was powerless over my urge to drive fast. Step 6 was admitting I was powerless over my urge to drive fast while intoxicated. Step 7 was admitting I was powerless over my urge to drive fast while intoxicated in a Cadillac Escalade. Step 8 was admitting I was powerless over my urge to drive fast while intoxicated in a Cadillac Escalade with a woman who was not my wife. And Step 9 was admitting I was powerless over my urge to drive fast while intoxicated in a Cadillac Escalade with a woman who was not my wife while my wife was at home with our children.'
'I'm not going to lie, it was tough,' Woods said. 'But I'm a competitor. I don't like to lose. And I wasn't about to let a 12-step program beat me.'
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