Collection of Satirical Headlines and Absurd News Parodies
By
The Onion Staff
A baker's-dozen of insight crammed into one ring.
Summary
A collection of absurd, satirical headlines and brief snippets that parody news media, including bizarre stories about a masturbating theater patron, a drunk man seeking lifelong love in a bar, a color applying for official status, a scratch-off ticket with too many ways to win, a darkly humorous death scene involving helicopter blades, a British novel protagonist saying 'erm,' an SVU writer struggling to invent new rape plots, Ninja Turtles having taken all good baby names, a possibly Sinbad airplane seatmate, and an obituary for Susan Westbrook who died after not shaking something properly.
Key quotes
· 5 pulledTheater Staff Lets Man Go Right On Masturbating In Otherwise Empty 'Melania' Screening
Couple Married For 50 Years Dies Only 10 Rotations Of Helicopter Blades Apart
All Good Baby Names Already Taken By Ninja Turtles
Susan Westbrook, 54, passed away Sunday after not shaking well something she was supposed to shake well.
Foolhardy Scratch-Off Ticket Offers Absurd 6 Ways To Win
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