Starbucks Receives $5 Billion Defense Contract for Cold Foam Military Applications
By
The Onion Staff
Toasted just enough. A reliable bake, gently seasoned.
Summary
The U.S. Defense Department has awarded Starbucks a $5 billion contract to explore military applications of cold foam technology, including developing tactical frothed milk toppings for battlefield use. The contract is part of the Pentagon's effort to modernize its 'lactose-based defense capabilities' and create richer, more indulgent ways to neutralize threats.
Key quotes
· 4 pulledThe U.S. Defense Department confirmed Monday that Starbucks had been awarded a $5 billion contract to explore potential national security applications of cold foam
part of the military's ongoing effort to modernize its lactose-based defense capabilities
the Seattle-based company will oversee the prototype of a tactical frothed milk topping for use by the armed forces
the Pentagon looks to develop richer, more indulgent ways to neutralize threats on the battlefield
You might also wanna read
Wealth Management Firms Offer "Platinum Concierge" Services Including Offshore Shell Companies and Plausible Deniability
The article discusses wealth management firms introducing new "Platinum Concierge" service levels that include guaranteed plausible deniabil
hambry.com·1d ago
Elbit Systems Secures $350 Million International Contract for Tank Upgrade Program
Elbit Systems has been awarded a $350 million contract by an international customer for tank upgrades. The multi-year program (running over
stocktitan.net·4d ago
RevSwap.ai: A Satirical Look at Startup Revenue Manipulation in Silicon Valley
This article is a satirical exposé of startup revenue manipulation in San Francisco's tech ecosystem. It presents a fictional marketplace ca
Satirical article: Spirit Airlines CEO claims nickel find will fund operations
A satirical article about Spirit Airlines supposedly resuming business operations after its CEO found a nickel on the ground, mocking the ai
The Onion·27d ago
Satirical Q&A on Trump Tariff Refunds Goes Off the Rails
This article is presented as a Q&A format about tariff refunds following a Supreme Court ruling, but the answers are absurd and nonsensical
The Onion·1mo ago
Satirical Article: Apple Allegedly Backs Up Tim Cook's Memories for CEO Succession
The article appears to be a satirical piece from The Onion about Apple supposedly backing up Tim Cook's memories to transfer them to the nex
The Onion·1mo ago