Satirical Study: 80% of Americans Lack Social Connections for Heist Crews
By
The Onion Staff
A bagel you'd recommend to a friend without hedging.
Summary
A satirical study from Yale University psychologists claims that 80% of Americans lack the social connections needed to pull off a heist, with most people reporting they know only one or two potential crew members. The research humorously examines loneliness through the lens of heist movie tropes, finding that few Americans have safecrackers, hacker prodigies, or other specialized criminal contacts in their social circles.
Key quotes
· 3 pulledWhen it comes to putting together a crew with the skills needed for a bank job or a jewel heist, a majority of Americans reported knowing just one or two guys, tops
only 20% had any safecrackers in their lives, a mere 16% knew any hacker prodigies with a rebellious streak
Shedding new light on a previously undocumented effect of loneliness
You might also wanna read
Satirical Article About Uber Driver's First Time Driving Experience
The article appears to be from The Onion, America's satirical news source, featuring a headline about an Uber driver casually mentioning it'
The Onion·1mo ago
Satirical Article: Rising Gas Prices Allegedly Reduce Gasoline Consumption as Beverage
This appears to be a satirical article from The Onion, America's self-proclaimed "Finest News Source," with a humorous premise about soaring
The Onion·1mo ago
Satirical Announcement for Austere Living Position with Minimal Provisions
The article appears to be a satirical piece from The Onion, America's Finest News Source, presented as a mock advertisement or announcement
The Onion·1mo ago
Satirical Article on U.S. Fertility Rates and Celebrity Culture
The article appears to be a satirical piece from The Onion, America's self-proclaimed 'Finest News Source,' using the fictional premise of U
The Onion·1mo ago
Satirical Wedding Announcement: Couple Marries with Future Spouses in Attendance
The article appears to be a satirical news piece from The Onion about a couple named Samantha Irizarry and Isaac Porter who were wed in a ce
The Onion·1mo ago
Satirical Interview: Fictional Figure Expresses Regret About Not Traumatizing More Victims
The article appears to be from The Onion, America's satirical news source, featuring a fictional interview with someone named Bondi who expr
The Onion·1mo ago