Satirical Report Claims FBI Study Finds Parrots Solve 93% of Murder Cases
By
The Onion Staff
Toasted just enough. A reliable bake, gently seasoned.
Summary
A satirical article reports that according to an FBI study, 93% of murder cases solved in the past 10 years were resolved by consulting the victim's pet parrot. The FBI spokesperson explains that birds often squawk the killer's name or provide key evidence, leading the bureau to formalize interviews with tropical pet birds as the standard first step in murder investigations.
Key quotes
· 3 pulledjust over 93% of all murder cases solved by local, state, and federal police in the past 10 years were resolved by consulting the victim's beloved pet parrot
"In some cases, the break is simple and the bird will squawk the killer's name and a plea to put down the gun," said FBI press office spokesperson Dana Whittle
the bureau has now formally instructed agents to treat interviews with a murder victim's tropical pet bird as the standard first step in any
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