Satirical Onion Article Claims Babies Are Undergoing 'Enshittification'
By
The Onion Staff
1mo ago· 7 min readen
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Summary
A satirical article from The Onion humorously claims that babies are undergoing "enshittification" — a term typically used for declining quality in digital platforms — arguing that modern babies are objectively worse than previous generations. The piece uses mock expert commentary and faux research to describe babies as having lower quality, more bugs, worse battery life, and inferior design, all while blaming corporate greed, enshittification, and modern parenting trends for the decline in infant quality.
Key quotes
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'The enshittification of babies is a direct result of late-stage capitalism,' said Dr. Kevin Nguyen, a professor of consumer studies. 'Manufacturers have realized they can cut corners on materials, reduce quality control, and still charge the same price because parents are emotionally invested and unlikely to return the product.'
'My first baby was great,' said local father Mark Treadwell. 'It had a solid build, good battery life, and the crying was at a reasonable volume. This new one? It's glitchy, the warranty expired after 18 years, and I'm pretty sure it's running some kind of freemium model where I have to pay extra for it to stop screaming.'
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