Satirical Account of ICE Agent Overwhelmed During Elementary School Raid
By
The Onion Staff
6mo ago· 1 min readen
38/100
Stale
Bagelometer↗
Yesterday's bagel, baked twice. Familiar and a bit tough.
Score38TypesatireSentimentnegative
Summary
A satirical article describes an ICE agent panicking during a raid on a Chicago elementary school when he realizes there are more children on the playground than he can subdue with his flash-bang grenades and other weapons. The agent is portrayed as overwhelmed, using stun grenades on girls playing hopscotch and pepper-ball rifles on kindergartners while calling for backup.
Key quotes
· 3 pulledHis heart racing with terror as he found himself completely surrounded, an Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent conducting a raid on a Chicago elementary school reportedly fell into panic Monday when he realized there were more children on the playground than he could subdue with flash-bang grenades.
"Oh God, send for backup—there's, like, 30 under 6!" the embattled agent said as he tossed one of his last remaining stun grenades at a group of girls playing hopscotch and emptied his pepper-ball rifle into a crowd of kindergartners.
"I've zip-tied a few, but they just keep comin'
CHICAGO—His heart racing with terror as he found himself completely surrounded, an Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent conducting a raid on a Chicago elementary school reportedly fell into panic Monday when he realized there were more children on th
