RFK Jr. Recommends Consuming All Cow-Based Substances for Health Benefits
By
The Onion Staff
Lightly toasted, lightly seasoned, mostly correct.
Summary
Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. issues new dietary guidelines encouraging Americans to drink any substance that comes from cows, claiming that milk is just the beginning of health benefits available from cow-based liquids. The guidelines suggest consuming cow pus, sweat, bile, and amniotic fluid for better health outcomes, framing cows as a 'nutritional gold mine' that most people only partially utilize.
Key quotes
· 3 pulledWhile milk is already an established part of many American diets, it's really only the tip of the iceberg where health-enhancing cow-based liquids are concerned
substances ranging from cow pus and sweat to cow bile and amniotic fluid were all associated with better health outcomes
most people only get a fraction of the benefits the 'nutritional gold mine' has to offer
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