RFK Jr. Orders Americans to Drink Mysterious Glowing Liquid for Health
By
The Onion Staff
9mo ago· 2 min readen
55/100
Doughy
Bagelometer↗
Pulled from the oven a few minutes early. Edible, just barely.
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Summary
Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has mandated all Americans to consume a mysterious glowing liquid, claiming it will improve national health and vigor. The directive, announced in Washington, has sparked curiosity and concern due to the lack of details about the substance.
Key quotes
· 2 pulled“In order to end the chronic disease epidemic in this country, it is imperative that every man, woman, and child take a large swig of this wondrous concoction,” said Kennedy.
Claiming the luminous potion would make the nation strong and vigorous, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. issued an order Friday directing all Americans to drink a mysterious glowing liquid.
WASHINGTON—Claiming the luminous potion would make the nation strong and vigorous, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. issued an order Friday directing all Americans to drink a mysterious glowing liquid. “In order to end the chronic
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