Markets Reportedly Rise After Trump Claims Supernatural Encounter in Social Media Post
By
The Onion Staff
Lacks bite. And filling. And a copy-editor at the bakery.
Summary
Markets surged after former President Donald Trump claimed in a Truth Social post that he had sex with an angel, with the S&P 500 reportedly rising 2.1% following his all-caps announcement about the alleged supernatural encounter.
Key quotes
· 3 pulledI AM PLEASED TO REPORT THAT OVER THE LAST TWO DAYS AN ANGEL HAS VISITED ME IN MY SLEEP AND I HAVE HAD VERY GOOD AND PRODUCTIVE SEX WITH IT
DUE TO TO THE TENOR AND DEPTH OF THIS FEMALE ANGEL'S LOVE
which with its claims that a heavenly being had done 'INCREDIBLE THINGS TO [the president's] PENIS' immediately sent the S&P 500 soaring 2.1%
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