ICE Claims Zero Murders by 5-Year-Olds Since Child Detainments Began
By
The Onion Staff
Best dunked in coffee. Better still, swap for a fresh one.
Summary
ICE officials are claiming that their child detention policies have resulted in zero murders committed by 5-year-olds, presenting this as evidence that their operations are improving American life. The spokesperson cites statistics showing 0.0% homicide rates among kindergartners as proof of their success, while dismissing Democratic criticism as 'whining and slander.'
Key quotes
· 3 pulled"Democrats can whine and slander our agents all they like, but the stats don't lie: Homicides committed by kindergartners are at all-time lows"
"These 40..." (incomplete quote from the article)
ICE spokesperson Kristina Boyer, who noted that the 0.0% rate of homicides perpetrated by 5-year-olds applied to first-, second-, and third-degree murders
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