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Collection of Absurdist Satirical Headlines and Scenarios

By

The Onion Staff

1mo ago· 4 min readen

Summary

The article appears to be a collection of absurdist, satirical headlines and snippets that read like a surreal news ticker or comedy sketch. It features bizarre scenarios including a mailman wanting to be chased, a cycle of violence running smoothly, a wrong spray merely freshening an attacker, Chardonnay vomited into an NPR tote, Harlem Globetrotters keeping basketball just out of reach of a Make-A-Wish kid, and various other nonsensical situations. The content seems intentionally absurd and humorous rather than factual reporting.

Key quotes

· 5 pulled
Mailman Strongly Hinting He Wants To Be Chased
Cycle Of Violence Running Smoothly
Wrong Spray Merely Freshens Attacker
Harlem Globetrotters Keep Basketball Just Out Of Reach Of Make-A-Wish Kid
Everything Riding On Second Flush Attempt
Snippet from the RSS feed
The bride and groom’s golden retriever served as their ring bearer, which was a real fuck-you to their two young children.

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